smiles are just pretendence of sorrows

i’m clueless. everything needs money. fearing for my life. doesn’t amuse me. thinking about dying. doesn’t make me happy. as everyday passes, i can't help but feel crappy. i hate having to hide my feelings. but nobody gets it. torturing myself isn't fun. i wish that i could just run. i don't understand why this happens. and i don't know how to take it all in. there're things that people don't understand. probably never will. sometimes it feels like time stands still. probably no one would even notice this. when the time comes, then probably you people would notice. i don't know the words to say, they used to come so naturally. sometimes i think i’ll do it. having found the courage to die. though deep inside i know i’ll fail, but for some reason, i still try. i don't think i can feel. it no longer hurts to cut across my vein. i just wish i could relieve this pressure that keeps building up inside my chest. i am so fed up with myself, nothing i say really make sense.